`Hamlet' (Facebook News Feed edition)

A friend sent this to me today. It originally appeared on McSweeney's a few months ago, and if you know Facebook, you know how brilliant it is (bravo, Sarah Schmelling!):Hamlet (Facebook News Feed Edition)BY SARAH SCHMELLINGHoratio thinks he saw a ghost.Hamlet thinks it's annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.The king thinks Hamlet's annoying.Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.Hamlet's father is now a zombie.- - - -The king poked the queen.The queen poked the king back.Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.Hamlet became a fan of daggers.- - - -Polonius says Hamlet's crazy ... crazy in love!Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.Ophelia removed "moody princes" from her interests.Hamlet posted an event: A Play That's Totally Fictional and In No Way About My FamilyThe king commented on Hamlet's play: "What is wrong with you?"Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.Polonius is no longer online.- - - -Hamlet added England to the Places I've Been application.The queen is worried about Ophelia.Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don't Float.Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.- - - -The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.The queen likes wine!The king likes ... oh crap.The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.Horatio says well that was tragic.Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We'll take it from here.Denmark is now Norwegian.Read more of Ms. Schmelling's work here: http://sschmelling.wordpress.com/